Not Benny
by yellowsunshinegirl
Summary: Kelly discusses some fears with Matt at Molly's after shift
1. Chapter 1

Kelly and Matt sat in Molly's after shift to blow off some steam. The last few shifts had been hard on them and both needed the break from work.

Casey looked around at the quiet since it was early Thursday afternoon and Severide and he were the only people drinking in the bar. Stella was cleaning and stocking the liquor for the late shift.

Matt took a cold drink of beer and watched Severide peel the label from the bottle in front of him. Casey took a drink and said, "So how are things with you and Anna? I haven't seen her around the house lately?"

Severide looked up and took a deep breath, "Yeah I haven't seen her in a few days. She has been staying with one of the nurses from Med. The last time was when I had dinner with Benny."

Casey's brow went up and asked, "Oh, how did dinner with Benny go? Did he say something stupid?"

"Benny didn't get a chance to say anything. Anna took one look at Benny and his date and freaked out. She took off in a taxi and I haven't heard from her since." Severide continued to pretend to concentrate on the label as he thought back to the night Anna left abruptly then continued, "I tried to talk to her but she seems convinced that we don't belong together. I don't know what to do."

Casey looked up unsure of what to say and responded, "Sorry man that is rough."

Severide looked up and shrugged, "I think she thinks I am a younger version of Benny. A playboy who can't settle down. Hell, maybe she is right. "

Casey shook his head and said, "Hell no, you aren't Benny or even a younger version of him. Look at the way you handled your sister versus the way Benny did.

Severide nodded and thought about his sister's dead rapist, "Benny was there for her in the end, before she left Chicago. But I talk to her about once a week and she hasn't heard from him except for a Christmas card sent by his soon to be ex-wife."

Casey asked, "Oh yeah, how was Benny there for her? I don't remember him being around much."

Kelly knew he had said too much about Benny and his sister and shrugged and quickly changed the subject back to Anna. "Maybe I am just meant to be single. Just about every woman I have been serious with has lied to me or I have screwed things up. Both Renee's lied to me, and the I screwed things up with me and Erin, and then there is my ex-wife. I mean look at you except for Beth you've only dated Gabby and Hallie. That is a total of 3 women in 14 years"

Matt took another swig of beer and looked down at the table thoughtfully, "I've just gotten lucky having Gabby after Hallie died. But if Hallie had made it I don't know if we would still be together. I mean she had secrets that I just found out about recently. "

A quizzical look came across Kelly's face wondering what Matt was talking about.

"Look you can't tell Gabby about what I am going to tell you. I was going through some old boxes after Gabby moved back in and found one marked Hallie. I opened it up and found some old letters and thought they may have been stuff her family would want. So I opened up the letters and found a few from a woman doctor Hallie had mentioned in passing as being a co-working. Basically the letter said that she loved Hallie but that they could not continue until she was honest with herself and her family. So basically after Hallie and I broke up she dated a woman. So I think Hallie was gay. So even if we would have stayed together her true feelings would have surfaced again. Hell I was with her on and off for 8 years and could never figure out what was holding us from being married. I just wish she would have been honest instead of wasting our time. I would not have been happy but I would have dealt with it and moved on."

Kelly's mouth dropped open and didn't say anything as Matt continued. "So I am over Hallie but don't want to talk it over with Gabby. It is a done deal and I don't want hours of talking about my feelings. I may tell her eventually but at this point it is really a moot point. "

Kelly said, "Whoa man, I know you and Hallie were on and off. Sorry you had to find out the way you did. But now you're settled down with Dawson and now you are married. "

Shaking his head Matt continued his thought, "My relationship with Gabby isn't perfect and takes work. God, look at how long it took for us to get our act together. And this last year with losing the baby and then Louie has been an up and down roller coaster. Now her father is trying to talk Gabby into letting him stay with us. Honestly I can't stand the guy the way he hurt Gabby and her mom, Matt paused and exhaled. Look my point is that You'll get there. Just maybe Anna needs some space and time to figure things out. And what about Stella? She has been there for you even though you guys ended things after her ex went nuts."

Nodding his head Kelly thought for a minute as he glanced at Stella concentrating on the list that they stock the bar from, "Yeah Anna may need some time I just don't know what to do. I've tried to make her feel welcome in Chicago. As far as Stella goes yeah she is a good friend." However, deep down Severide thought back to his nights with Stella and remembered how incredibly easy things had progressed between them. Since Anna had moved in there had been many nights that she had seem distant, even cold.

Matt saw that Kelly was lost in his thoughts as Stella approached their table and said cheerily. "How are you guys doing tonight?"

Kelly's face brightened up when he saw Stella standing beside him. "Just blowing off some steam."

Stella blushed slightly as she asked, "You guys want a couple more beers?"

Casey shook his head and said, "I am just gonna finish this one and then I have to get going. We are supposed to have dinner with Gabby's father."

Shaking his head Severide replied to Stella as well , "No I have to get going too."

Stella looked a little disappointed that Severide was going to be leaving soon but hid it after a minute. "Ok suit yourself I mean look at this hot bed of party activity." She gestured with her had, looked around and laughed out loud as she flipped her hair and turned and walked away.

Kelly continued their conversation,"Anna and Stellar aren't the point but I am the common denominator. I can't remember the number of women I have been with and then broken it off. Maybe I am just doomed to be a single play boy with no family or steady girl friend."

Casey grinned as he looked at two women who had walked in and were both eyeing Kelly, "Well hell there are worse ways to spend your time." Then Matt looked at Severide and saw that there was no responding grin back from his buddy.

"Ever since Shay died its been like my anchor is gone. She was my second half and understood me because she was so much like me. Then after Shay died I thought Erin was the one and moved on from her and she was great. God this sucks I sound like a teen age girl talking about her feelings." Kelly shook his head and rolled his eyes as he leaned back in the bar stool.

Casey's grin disappeared as he replied thoughtfully, "Kel I am here for you no matter what and so is Gabby. We are your family so don't ever feel like you are alone. I know you took Shay's death as hard as Gabby did.'

Just then two women approached their table giggling softly, "You guys want to share a table with us? This place is kinda dead but this corner is smoking hot" They were both in their mid to late twenties and were eyeing Casey and Severide wantonly.

Casey shook his head without saying a word and pointed to his ring finger. Kelly shook his head too and told the women as he pointed to Stella, "The woman behind the bar is my girlfriend. She is a professional boxer and extremely jealous. She once gave me a black eye for looking at another woman. At that point Stella looked up from the bar and smiled since Severide was looking her way. Immediately the women mumbled something, eyed Stella and quickly headed to the door. Kelly burst out laughing and broke the tension that had been building.

Casey tipped his bottle to finish his beer as he stood, "Look Sev, we have been friends for a long time. From what you've said Benny was never loyal to anyone, not even you when you were a kid. You were there for Shay, me and your sister. Trust me you aren't Benny. If Anna has a problem then she is going to have to open up and talk to you. And if you value the relationship then you will give her space to figure things out. A wise man once told me relationships either work or they don' and that you have go all in. I went all in and it's worked for me. I am a happily married man. So take your own advice and give Anna a chance to figure things out. But don't blame yourself for everything. There may be more going on than you realize with Anna."

Kelly nodded his head and watched Casey walk out the door, "Case you have a good night and thanks for the advice. I am going head home and watch some hockey. See you next shift.' Kelly's eyes followed Casey and then landed on Stella as she lifted her hand to wave good night.

Kelly thought of his dad and the devastated ex-wives and kids that Benny had left when things got hard. He didn't want to be that type of man who skipped out when people needed him. He hadn't liked the emptiness he felt on the job before he met Anna. Even firefighting had become meaningless for a while and that scared him more than any fire he had went running into At that moment, Kelly made a promise to himself, "I am going to make sure I don't end up like Benny."


	2. Chapter 2

Matt noticed that Kelly had not been out of his office much this shift. Casey walked out of his office and headed toward Kelly's office and glanced through the large glass pane and saw that Kelly had his head buried in paper work. Before Casey knocked on the door he reached into his pocket to pull out the cigars that he was going to use as a bribe to get Kelly to talk about Anna. Since Anna's death Severide had been keeping to himself even more than usual. Instead of going to the squad table Kelly usually went to his office to be alone or he drilled Squad to pass the time between calls. Casey felt that it was time to see if he could reach out and talk to Severide. The last time that they had any conversation was a few weeks before Anna's death.

Matt knocked on Kelly's office door only to be greeted by a sour look as Severide glanced up from his paperwork until he saw who it was. Matt pulled out the cigars from his pocket and waved them at Severide. Kelly expression changed as he pushed aside his paperwork and waved for Matt to come in.

"What's up?, Kelly inquired as he pushed the chair back and turned to face Matt.

" I thought you could use a break. I splurged and got two Cuban cigars and thought you might want to enjoy the weather and share a smoke with me." Matt replied as he tried to make the offer sound casual.

Severide nodded and gave Casey a small smile as he rose to follow him down the hall and out to the bay to the outside. Kelly felt the eyes of most of the house on him. Since Anna's death Kelly had intentionally kept to himself trying to keep it together at work.

Both the lieutenants walked out and leaned on the back of the chief's truck to smoke the cigars. Casey threw Severide one of the Cuban cigars and offered him a light. Kelly took a puff and inhaled deeply as he relished the rare treat. Casey followed suit as he tried to figure out what to say next.

Severide gave Casey a sidelong glance and saw that he was trying to figure out what he was going to say next. So Kelly decided to break the silence first, "So is the cigar a bribe to get me to talk about Anna. Cause I don't need anyone's pity. I am good."

Matt studied Kellys face before replying, "Maybe we haven't talked much lately. So I thought that I would just take a break and see how you are doing. We don't have to talk about anything. We're just two guys sharing cigars."

Severide looked relieved and replied "I know everyone is concerned. But like I said I am good. Really." But then something in Severide's face changed and a tired look fell over his face as he decided to talk. If anyone knew what he was going through it would be Casey who had lost Hallie.

Casey watched in silence as he took another puff of his cigar and did not reply to Severide immediately. He wanted to wait to see what Kelly would say next.

Kelly continued and asked Casey point blank, "How did you get through Hallie? I mean, I thought I knew what it was like when I lost Andy and Shay. But Anna was different …..," Kelly's voice broke as he looked at the ground.

Matt nodded, "I get it. I really do. There were times after Hallie died that life just seemed well empty. I didn't have the energy to make an efforr. It gets better with time but at first it hurts and there is not a damn thing that anyone can do about it. Kel, you just have to take it a day at time as cliche as it sounds. There is no right or wrong way to get through this. I took some time away, would that help?"

Severide shook his head as his face reddened in an almost angry look, "Hell no, I don't want more time to think about things. That is the only thing I seem to do when I am alone. I thought about going to see Benny but he didn't even make it to the funeral. He said something about one of the boys needing him to take them to the doctor. I know that was a lie. I mean he is my old man and he couldn't even show up for the funeral. "

Casey looked up at Severide and let him continue, "Why do I even bother going around him?"

"The same reason I still miss my dad even though he was an ass. Benny is your dad and you want him to be a standup guy. Trust me every father's day is the same for me I go out of my way to avoid thinking about it. I thought this year would be different with Louie." Casey let his voice drop off as it still stung to think about Louie being with is biological dad. He knew it was the right decision but it still didn't sting any less 4 months later.

Severide took a long puff of his cigar, "Enough about Benny the thought of him is ruining my cigar. How are you and Dawson doing? I noticed that you have been a little off the last shift or two."

Casey looked around to make sure no one of 51 was within ear shot then replied to Kelly's question honestly, 'We've been fighting since her father has been around more. It all started when we went out to dinner and Ramone asked Gabby to move in with us. He moved in a few weeks ago and he's been demanding ever since. He even butted into one of our arguments. I told Gabby about Hallie's stuff I found and she acted hurt but said nothing was wrong. Ramone overheard our discussion and asked me why I was upsetting his little girl under his roof." Matt paused as he started thinking back to the incident and it made him mad all over again.

Severide could see by Casey's body language that he was on edge thinking about his father-in-law. Casey took a deep breath and continued, "I ignored his demands and closed the bedroom door and asked Gabby to follow me. She did but Ramone slammed his door and ended up making Gabby feel guilty about the whole thing." Matt shook his head and continued as his face got redder and his mouth set in a look of defiance." So last night you know the lady who talked me into being an alderman? She came to the apartment to talk about some of the upcoming agendas going before counsel and our strategies to get them passed. So in the middle of our conversation Ramone comes over and sits down next to her and started flirting with her. She tried to blow him off but he just became more aggressive. I cut the meeting short and made and excuse because I could tell that she was uncomfortable. She ended up leaving by saying she had to get going anyway. I was pissed but tried to keep the peace with Ramone who kept asking for her number. I told him that it wasn't good to mix my alderman duties with my personal life. Ramone ended up walking away and said he would ask Gabby for her number. Gabby and I had words over her dad this morning. She said he was just adjusting to the divorce and to give it time. The hell with that. It's my house and I my wife and I want him to respect that."

Severide nodded in agreement then grinned, "You can talk to Mouch about how to get rid of a roommate. He helped out Otis when he was living with me and Shay."

Casey flashed a bright smile at Severide at the thought of using Mouch to get rid of Ramone. It was good to see his friend back to normal. Then Casey realized that he had been complaining about Gabby when Kelly had just lost Anna. "Man, I shouldn't be complaining. I wasn't thinking. Sorry."

Severide reached over and clapped Casey on the back, "Nope this is the most normal conversation I have had in a few weeks. We're good. I am tired of people tip toeing around me like I will break. As far as you and Dawson having problems. You guys will work through her dad being a jerk. I envy you guys and hope I find someone, after Anna." Severide took a deep breath and exhaled and looked away to keep from breaking down.

Casey nodded, "I know it's a little hurdle and Gabby and I will work it out. This is for keeps." Casey touched his thumb to his wedding ring and made a promise to go talk to Gabby right after he and Severide were finished. Then Matt continued to speak, "I am here for you man. If you need to get away or talk say the word. We'll go to the lake and pound backs some cold ones and fish. We got through Andy and shay and lifted each other up. Both Gabby and I are here for you now as well. "

Severide started to answer but was cut off by the alarm. Both the lieutenants put the cigars out and ran to the bay. In the days, weeks and months to come Severide would have good days and bad ones too. Sometimes the grief seemed too much to carry by himself. But then Kelly remembered that he had a family that was not blood but had been forged by fire. The only thing that he was certain of, Benny and he were not the same type of man. As much as it had hurt to watch Anna die, 1000 men could not have driven him from standing by her side. Kelly was a better man for knowing and loving Anna. He carried Anna's memory and legacy with him. Somewhere she was looking down and Kelly hoped that the life he lived would make her proud.


	3. Chapter 3

House 51 had been onsite for less than five minutes when Chief Boden started barking out orders.

"Casey, Severide we have a pallet factory connected to two other warehouses of unknown contents. We know that there are two possibly three workers inside the building. So far the other two warehouses are not engulfed. We need to send out two or three teams to find the workers before the building is fully involved. Obviously, we need to find the workers quick because this warehouse is a tinder box. " Chief said confidently as he looked at Casey and Severide who both nodded their heads before going to Truck and Squad to give their orders.

Severide barked out as he began to put on his tank, "Cruz I want you to stay out here in case we need a guide out of this place. Chief is going to be pretty busy so I want you out here with him. Tony, Capp and Kanel you are with me we need to sweep the building there are at least two or three workers in this thing. Since this is a pallet warehouse make sure to look out for falling debris. Also I want us to split into twos and don't let each other out site. "

Casey looked around and saw ambo arrive onsite and watched Gabby and Brett get out. He had wanted to talk to Gabby to make things right about their fight but there had been no time. Blinking he came back and started to give directions to his team. Mouch and Herman you two are gonna be together. Stella you are with me and Otis you are out here on the hose. Guys, Chief says there are at least two workers unaccounted for right now, possibly three. Stay in site of each other and listen for the word to vacate. It already looks pretty hairy.

They were all in their bunker gear and jogged to the entrances quickly. Mouch lagged behind a little bit but Herman waited on him to catch up. They entered the buildings and found that the place was smoke filled and hard to see any kind of distance. Stella and Casey went right while Hermann and Mouch went left and began to yell, "Fire department, call out"

Meanwhile Severide and his team who had entered the opposite entrance and found the offices and restrooms. Once inside Severide began to sweep the offices with a quick and methodical approach. They could see very quickly that all of the offices had been evacuated so squad went back out into the warehouse. Capp and Tony began to disappear into the thick, dark gray smoke as they both started yelling the familiar refrain, "Fire department call out."

Kanell yelled out to Severide, "We have to hurry by the looks of thing it is not going to be long before this place goes up. Look at the black smoke."

Severide nodded in agreement as he began searching for the workers. "Chief, any idea where the workers were located before the fire started?"

There was a pause and Chief responded, "Negative, the warehouse supervisor says that the workers hadn't been seen for about 45 minutes before the fire started."

Severide replied, "Damn, Chief I say we have about 10 minutes tops the further we penetrate into the warehouse the smoke worse it gets."

Casey piped in from his side of the warehouse, "Same here chief I haven't seen anyone either."

Chief asked Hermann as his concern for the firefighters inside escalated, "Hermann what is your status?"

"Not a hell of a lot different here chief. Mouch and me have covered a lot of ground and haven't seen any of the workers so far." Herman replied as he dodged falling pallets from his right. He looked back at Mouch who gave him a thumbs up as a sign that he was ok.

Chief breathed deeply and said, "Continue your sweep but keep your ears open for when I call it. "

Severide and Casey both piped in one after the other, "Copy that chief."

Kanell and Severide hit the back wall of the warehouse and began to circle around to meet up with Tony and Capp before their exit. "Capp and Tony how are you doing?" Severide called out and waited for a response.

Capp responded with a clipped tone, "Nothing except falling pallets and a hell of a lot of black smoke. The walls are starting to go here too."

Severide replied, "Kanell and I are working our way back to the entrance. We will meet up in the center isle."

Before long all four fire fighters headed down the center aisle while still sweeping for the workers.

Outside Otis heard two young guys laughing and joking, At first he paid no attention but then he overheard one of the guys say, "Dude this is kind of cool. They have no idea that we were out in the back warehouse smoking weed. They must be looking for us."

The other guy acted nervous as he saw Otis looking at them. Otis walked over and shouted, "What the hell are you two the guys we are supposed to be looking for in there?"

By this time some of the other workers recognized the two that were supposed to be missing and started yelling that was them in reply to Otis's questioning glare. Otis ignored the two and took off in a jog to the Chief to tell him that there was no one in the building.

Otis yelled loud enough to catch the attention of the chief, "Chief, I just got confirmation that no one is in the building. Everyone is accounted for." Chief nodded in acknowledgement

Kidds waved to Casey when she saw canisters on the back wall. This caused Casey to stop and look to see what the label said on the canisters. He pulled out his flashlight and then saw that the labels read propane. tHe yelled to Kidd, " We gotta go this place is about to go." Kidd nodded in agreement and turned to start moving the opposite way.

Casey swore under his breath and got on his mike, "Chief we found canisters that are labeled propane"

Chief called out, "Casey, Severide get out of there immediately. All of the workers are accounted for."

Casey called out to his team frantically which shook everyone since he was normally so even on calls, "Guys, there is propane in here. I repeat propane. We need to move. Double time, Double time.

Kidd and Casey started heading out as they saw the glow of an exit sign thinking that may be a way out other than to go back the way they came. They opened the door hoping for the light of the outside. Instead they found another large darkened room that was filled with pallets. They turned wondering where the exit was but did not want to waste time trying to find it. So they opted to turn and go back through the maze of pallets.

Further back in the warehouse Mouch was taking a breather as Hermann waited for him. Then they heard Casey say that there was propane and started to jog toward the aisle they had just swept. All of a sudden Mouch grabbed his chest as he found himself short of breath.

On the other side of the warehouse Hermann turned, "What's wrong?"

Mouch said, "I can't catch my breath. Go on, I'll catch up."

Hermann shook his head and took Mouch by the shoulder and walked beside him on his way back to meet up with Stella and Casey.

Hermann urged Mouch to pick up the pace, "Come on buddy. We have to move. Think of Trudy and focus on my voice.

Mouch nodded as he leaned on his friend step by step as they made their way to the door. All of a sudden in front of them was a wall of flaming pallets. Both fireman stepped back and tried to make their way through the ever darkening warehouse.

Severide heard propane and walked over to chief. All of squad was out of the building and fully expected to see Casey and truck to follow shortly. Then he heard from Casey, "Stella and I are trapped in the back of the warehouse and trying to find a way of egress."

At that point Severide went to Cruz and asked for his tank before grabbing it and hoisting it to his shoulder. Chief looked at Kelly and saw that he was about ready to head back into the warehouse to get the other members of 51. Chief called out to Severide who was in a dead run now as he headed back into the burning building. "Damn it I can't lose two more."

At that moment the whole scene outside changed as the back part of the warehouse exploded. There was a loud boom and then silence… Casey, Kidd, Hermann and Mouch were all still inside.

Severide dropped to his knees and he stripped off his mask. Gut wrenching sobs came from him that was a result of the thought of losing two more people he cared so deeply for. " Please if there is a God and you are listening….. I can't lose another… I can't lose another… Andy….. Shay….. Anna. Not one more please God not one more."

Kanell had been right behind Severide. Now he looked as if he was in shock. His mouth hung open as a quiet tear poured down his face. He couldn't even call out to Severide or anyone...

The scene was also riddled with thesobs of Dawson, "Matt, Matt. Please baby. No, please no... I'm sorry."

Chief called but was met with nothing but silence as are[;u. It was the kind of silence that was pregnant and longing. All of 51 that was outside the warehouse was paralyzed with a surreal gut wrenching fear that 51 would never be the same after today.


	4. Make her proud

Boden's voice penetrated everyone's fog of grief with his booming voice, "Everyone group up we have four fire fighters that are not responding. We need to get moving if they have a chance."

Kanell patted Severide on the back while saying, "Casey never gave up on us so let's go in there and find him."

Severide turned to Kanell and nodded and began to put his mask and helmet back on. Capp and Tony were already headed back to the building as well. This time the smoke was worse and they went in the direction that Casey and Truck had gone. They would take a few steps and sweep an area, "Truck 51, Call out. If you can't speak make noise. Still there was no answer as they called out.

Chief's voice crackled out,"Severide what is your status? Have you seen their tethers yet? Or any sign of any of them?"

Severide's rising frustration could be heard as he replied, "No Kannel is with me now Capp and Tony are to our right. Just give us more time chief and we will find them."

Chief replied,"Severide I am not going to risk the lives of four more men. You have 5 more minutes to find them and then we have to clear the building."

Kanell and Severide and exchanged glances and called out to each other, "Lets split up we can cover more ground."

There was a week voice on the channel that called out, "This is Hermann. Mouch and I are on the south west side of the building toward the back. I must have been knocked out by the force of the blast."

Chief called out, "Hermann, Squad is in the house and they are coming for you. Can you set off your alarm to give them an idea where you are?", there was a pause and then Boden continued, "What is mouchs' condition? Do you have a visual on Casey and Stella?"

Hermann coughed and sounded groggy as he responded, "Chief I think Mouch may have had a heart attack. He is not moving or responding. Negative on Casey and Stella, the last I heard was their voices right before the back blast of the explosion."

The lines lit up with commotion as Capp said, "We have eyes on Mouch and Hermann we will work to get them free and bring them out."

Severide heard that and waved to Kanell to keep moving, "We're are traveling to the left since Mouch and Hermann went to the right, Chief.

A weak female voice called out,"Kel, find them. Please just find them," was all that Gabby could manage to whisper. Her heart held onto the hope that even though Stella and Matt were not answering that they found a way to stay safe in the explosion. Gabby had once told Matt that he was the best fire fighter he had seen. It had not been an empty or vain comment. She had meant it with all of her heart.

All of the sudden she was dragged from her thoughts with commotion that was going on to her right. Cruz had grabbed one of the workers who had thought it was funny that fire fighters were looking for him. Cruz wore an angry expression and his face was flushed as he pulled on both sides of the jacket of one of the workers, "Do you think this is funny? Do you? Those fire fighters that are trapped in there are my friends? They are ten times the men you are! If they are dead it is your fault!"

Otis jumped in the middle and tried to pull Cruz off of the warehouse worker, "Cruz come on." But Cruz gave Otis a shove back and began to pull back to punch the guy." He was stopped by the iron grip of Boden clamped down on his right arm.

"Cruz we need you here. Come one I want you to walk the perimeter of the building just in case there is another way out." Cruz let go of the worker and nodded his head as he went to the truck to get his helmet and haligan. Otis get the hose and start to train water on the roof to keep flare ups from popping up again until 51 gets out." Chief ordered as he watched Cruz round the corner of the building. Boden wanted to make sure that his people were safe and then he would make sure to find out the names of the warehouse workers to see if they could be charged with anything by Chicago pd.

Smoke billowed out the front door but the outside observers could see the outline of 3 figures walking out of the door and one figure lying on a pallet. Mouch looked like he had not regained consciousness and Herman was limping and the right side of his body was covered in blood. Brett sprang into action with a Dawson not far behind. They began to read Mouch's vitals and to try and stabilize him.

Severide and Kannel penetrated deeper into the warehouse when they both noticed the black smoke beginning to roll across the ceiling. It was not nearly impossible to see and they were both sweating from the rising heat of the warehouse as the fire intensified. Flames licked the walls and pallets like it was one big fire. Severide knew that once the black smoke started billowing across the ceiling that their time to find Casey was running out.

Severide knew Casey always thought outside the box and was one of the best fire fighters he had seen for finding a way to survive. He also knew that Stella was resourceful. Kanell pointed to a collapsed portion of the building where it appeared the center of the blast had been.

"Casey, Kidd call out," Severide called out.

Kanell called out to Severide, "I don't think they were here when the blast hit. Casey and stella were talking about double timing it away from the blast."

Kelly nodded his head in agreement, "Let's head that way."

Chief's voice crackled,"2 minutes and then you have to give it up. Severide, two minutes. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yeah chief, "Kelly replied and let his mind wander as he searched for Casey and Kidd. Kelly's mind wandered back to one of the last night's he had spent with Anna. It was after that she found out about the cancer recurrence. Anna hadn't talked about her recovery but all of the things that she did that mattered. Kelly and she were drifting off to sleep after making love. Anna mentioned that her dash had been full and that she had no regrets. Kelly had asked what the dash was? She had replied it is the space between the date you are born and the day you die and that Kelly had been the best part of her dash As Kelly thought about it he now realized that she had been slowly saying goodbye. Goodbye to Kelly gently and lovingly and telling him to live on without her presence in his life. The truth was the few months he and Anna had been together were the most full he had experienced. Now in this fire he wanted to save Casey and Kidd but wanted to start living as well.

Kanell called out to Severide, "Severide, over here. Look I think they are here. "

Severide looked and in the smoke he could see two figures with a large piece of metal pulled over them in almost like a barrier. He knew right away that Casey had realized that he was not going to get out and had pulled the piece of metal to shield He and Stella from the force and flying debris of the blast.

"Boden, we have them in site but both look like they are out. From the looks of the smoke rolling across the ceiling we have no time for you to reach us. I just wish there was an exit closer we are in the back of the building." Severide called out to the chief.

Chief responded that Cruz was going around the perimeter of the building to see if there were any entrances. On the outside of the building Cruz found a marked exit that appeared to be wedged open with a piece of wood. As he looked more closely he could see what appeared to be cigarettes and beer discarded. He shook his head in disgust as he realized that this was the place the warehouse workers had been hiding out the whole time 51 was looking for them. Joe put on his mask and entered the exit calling out. "Severide, Kanell call out. I found a way out."

Severide had reached Kidd's side and checked for a pulse, "She's alive. She's alive."

Meanwhile, Kanell reached Casey and felt for his pulse and panicked when he could not find one. Then he tried to find Casey's pulse again and held his breath and he felt and ever so faint flutter of a pulse. Kanell let out a war cry as he called out to chief, "They are both alive chief. Both of them aren't conscience but they are alive.

Then out of the smoky darkness Cruz appeared saying, "Guys I am here we have got to move cause the path that I just found is closing fast. There are secondary fires spreading all over. I am pretty sure that all of the ways out will be closed soon.

Severide advised chief, "Cruz found us but we are moving now. There is no time to wait for more help and Cruz says the fire is spreading fast. Call for more ambos and have them meet us out back."

Severide took Kidd over his shoulder in a fireman's carry while Cruz and Kanell each to Casey as gently as possible and transported him through the fire. They moved with speed and caution as the remaining pallets began to catch ablaze. It was almost like the walls were alive with fire and smoke. The fire almost look like a living growing entity.

As the exited the building and headed a close distance away he could swear that he heard Anna's voice say, "See I knew you would make me proud. You are gonna have one helluva a dash Kelly. Miss you… Love you.


	5. Chapter 5

Severide strode into Chicago Med on the heels of the injured members of 51. A lump had formed in his stomach on the ride from the fire scene to the hospital. After rescuing Kidd and Casey he and the rest of squad and truck had extinguished the remains of the fire. Chief strode in beside Severide Kannell, and Cruz and headed to find out information and condition of Hermann, Mouch, Kidd and Casey. None of the men talked as they each contemplated the fate of the injured firefighters.

Chief saw Cindy Hermann hunched in a chair with fear etched into every corner of her face. He strode up and sat in the chair beside her then addressed her, "Cindy, how are you holding up? I can call Donna to come and sit with you if you like."

One tear streamed down Cindy's cheek as she looked into Boden's eye's "Christopher is ok he is being checked out. He asked me to wait out here for Trudy because Mouch died shortly after he arrived. The doctor's said they don't know if it was a heart attack or a stroke. Christopher is torn up but he wanted me to be out here to comfort Trudy." Then silence filled the room as the loss resonated with each of the members of 51.

Cruz put his hands on his knees as he sank into a chair opposite Cindy. His shoulder shook with grief but he stifled the sounds in his hands. Severide sat down by Cruz and put a comforting arm around his shoulder. Kelly's stomach dropped as he thought about his dead friend Mouch. The aching gnaw of the grief from Anna's death coupled with the loss of Mouch was just too much to bare. Cruz shrugged off Kelly's arm and mumbled something and walked out of the waiting room looking lost in grief.

Chief broke the silence, "Severide I am going to stay here with Cindy for a while, at least until I can have Donna come sit with she and Trudy. Can you go see how Kidd and Casey are? "

Kelly nodded and looked from Boden to Cindy and said, "I sure will. Cindy if you need anything just let me know. Chief, I'll text you the condition of Casey."

Kannell had been sitting in silence watching and listening since he was a new comer to 51. He felt like an interloper and so sat quietly waiting for something to do. When he saw Severide get up he said politely, "I'll go help the lieutenant. Ma'am if you need anything just let me know."

Severide went in search of some of the nursing staff that Anna had known to see if they knew the condition of Casey and Kidd. It didn't take long to hear that they were still in the ER still being stabilized. Severide asked to be able to go back and the nurse led him back to where Hermann, Kidd and Casey were. The first person he saw to his left was Hermann who was hooked up to an IV and had his head leaned back on a pillow. Kelly could tell that Christopher had been crying and was being evaluated by an ER doctor so he moved passed that cubicle to the next one.

Outside the next cubicle Kelly saw the shape of Dawson's back and he put a hand on her shoulder. She jumped as Severide greeted her softly, "Hey Dawson, Kannell and I are here to see how Casey is doing."

Dawson did not look like herself she looked pale and tears were running down her cheeks, "I don't know. They won't let me in there because they are trying to stabilize him. The doctor's have been coming and going from Matt's room for the last hour. Dr Halstead said Matt is not burned but the propane tanks sent shrapnel everywhere after the explosion. Matt has wounds in his lower back and legs because he threw himself on Kidd. They are talking about surgery but he has lost so much blood and are trying to find enough blood for a transfusion before they take him into surger.. He has to make it. Please tell me he is gonna make it, Kelly. Please tell me I am not going to lose him."

Kelly did not say anything but wrapped his arms around her as Gabby leaned in for comfort. Kannell stood back a few feet and watched as Kelly comforted Gabby. Grief overwhelmed him from all of the recent losses as Kannell thought about how Casey had went out on a limb for him. When he signed up for this job as a young man everyone told him about the risk of the job. And yet, Kannell had been on the job for years without a single loss. All of the talk and preparation could not prepare you for the losses that went with firefighting. Kannell was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard Severide speak, "Kannell can you stay with Gabby while I go check on Kidd?"

Kannell nodded and stepped to stand beside Gabby, "Sure thing. Come on Dawson let me get you a chair to sit down in."

"Gabby, if you need anything I will be right here. I am not going anywhere just to check on Kidd. Kannell is going to stay here right beside you. And if anyone can pull through this it's Matt. He has you to fight through this and live to tell about it." Kelly looked in through the glass and thought about Casey and all of hard times the shared. Matt had stood by him through so much Kelly would not allow himself to even think about losing another friend.

Severide strode a few more steps and ran into Bret coming out of Stella's cubicle. "Oh Hey Severide, Kidd is ok but they are getting ready to give her some pain meds and asked me to step out. She has a broken arm and a few shrapnel wounds but it sounds like she is going to be in paid but fine."

All that Kelly could manage was a nod as Bret went onto talk more about Kidd's condition. A heavy weight fell on Severide as the adrenaline and worry blended to make a dull ache. His stomach tied in knots at the thought of the carnage from the explosion and more death. Andy, Shay, Anna and Mouch were all gone and here he was still alive. Guilt and remorse mingled as thoughts raced through his head and then without notice Severide began to shake and tears ran down his cheek. He felt strong arms pull him close and at first Kelly resisted pushing the unknown person aside until he saw who it was. It was his dad, Benny who held him as Kelly practically collapsed into his dad's arms. Brett turned and went back to stand vigil of Stella's cubicle with Otis who was leaning against the wall looking down, lost in thought.

Benny spoke softly to his son, "I heard about the incident from a friend. I came as soon as I could since I didn't know if it was you. Kel, I am here. Thank god you are ok."

Chief and Donna were sitting beside Trudy who knew about Mouch. Her normally strong demeanor crumbled as the weight of the loss of Mouch hit her. Platt had waited so long to be married but had found total happiness with Randy. To the outside world he was goofy and awkward but to her Randy had been perfect. Before today, they had talked about retirement and travel to all 50 states in an RV. Movement out of the corner of her eye pulled Trudy from her grief and she saw Cruz kneeling down right in front of her."

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I should have saved him." Cruz could barely talk between sobs as he thought back to the last time he had seen Mouch.

Chief stood up and pulled at the back of Cruz, "Joe, come on. This isn't the time or place for this. Trudy needs some space.

Donna looked from Chief to Cruz and then saw Chaplain Orlovsky coming into Chicago med waiting area and pulled Trudy up while saying, "Come on Trudy the chapel is around the corner we can have some privacy." Chaplain was there as a counselor and clergyman for the fire department. 51 held a special place in his heart since they felt like the family he had never been able to have

Cruz looked wild-eyed at Boden and looked almost in a state of shock, "I didn't mean it. I swear. He was like an older brother. Mouch showed me the way to do things when I joined 51. I am sorry Chief"

Boden nodded and tried to find words of comfort for Cruz, "I know you didn't. I am sure Mouch knew it too. You helped get Casey and Stella out. They got to the ambo's quicker with your help. Come on, Cruz take let's take a walk outside and get some air." They proceeded to walk outside of the hospital as Chief tried to figure out the words to say.

Back in the ER Hermann and his wife waited for him to be admitted to the hospital for the night. The doctors felt it was best to have Christopher admitted overnight for observation.

"Cindy, I couldn't save him. He was my best friend and I couldn't save him. Damn it." Hermann said as he leaned his head on his wife's shoulder. She was sitting on the edge of the bed as she held Christopher's hand. After 20 years together they didn't need words to fill in the silences. By this point they could finish each other's sentences and thoughts. Cindy knew the risks of being a fire fighters wife and lived with worry always pushed to the back of her mind. Most days were spent trying to juggle marriage, family and life. But today when she had gotten a call from Donna that there had been an incident Cindy had lost it in the car on the way to the hospital. Cindy thought of Trudy's loss and held her husband even closer and whispered, "I love you Christopher Hermann."

All of a sudden the entire er fell silent as the call came over the loud speaker, "Code blue." Doctors and nurses whisked by as the alarm of someone coding screeched like a siren through the ER. All of 51 held their breath not wanting to think of more death and loss. No one wanted to face the loss of Matt Casey whose leadership reached far beyond the walls of the firehouse. Severide stood by Benny as the alarm sounded and watched helplessly all the while silently praying


	6. Chapter 6

It had been several hours since Casey was taken to surgery. After two attempts the ER team had resuscitated Matt and then wheeled him directly up to prep for his emergency surgery. Gabby was waiting in the ER waiting room flanked by Severide and Boden. Most of the last few hours had been spent in silence because of the gravity of the events of the day. Benny was also in the Er waiting room waiting for news of Casey's condition. He had been watching Kelly intently for as he comforted Gabby and was consistent and comforting.

Gabby looked at her watch and let out a heavy sigh and questioned, "Why are they taking so long? I just want to know he is going to be ok."

Severide who had been leaned back slightly with his head against the wall eased up and put a comforting arm across the back of Gabby, "Hey, he is gonna be fine." Kelly tried to sound confident but in the pit of his stomach lurked the same queasy feeling as when both Andy and Shay died. Yet he tried to seem upbeat to keep Dawson calm. When Matt had been wheeled directly into the ER Gabby had been inconsolable until he and Boden managed to calm her down.

"Kelly, we left things so badly," Gabby whispered as if to make the fact that the newlyweds had been fighting to away. "I mean, my dad has been staying with us and…..," Her voice trailed off and she put her head in her hands to catch the tears that pooled in the sides of her eyes.

Severide looked over a slumped Dawson and mouthed, "Where is her dad?" Boden shook his head as his eyebrows furrowed in a look of helplessness. As a chief it was Boden's duty to command but now he just sat trying to provide comfort. The entire time that the Chief was in the surgery waiting room he had mentally ran through the events of the day. He had lost a man today and felt the heavy weight and sorry of the loss of Mouch.

As if to shake off the grief Chief rose and spoke breaking the silence in the waiting room. "Benny, I need some coffee let's walk down the hall to the vending machine I saw.

"Sure, Kelly or Gabby do either of you want anything." Benny asked as he looked between Kelly and the still slumped over Gabby. Kelly shook his head and Dawson shook her head but still kept her palms covering her face.

Chief regarded her with an outlet of breath, "Dawson, I am going to try to get in touch with Antonio or Ramon again. " They all knew that Antonio was off fishing with his son Diego and was out of cell phone reach. Ramon one the other had was MIA.

Elsewhere in the hospital Hermann was in his room with Cindy by his side. Christopher was still reeling from the loss of Mouch. Even though he was under light sedation Hermann kept thinking back to the fire and the warehouse wondering if he could have done anything different to save his friend. The silence of the room was broken as Joe Cruz walked in looking lost and forlorn. Cruz paused at the door and Cindy waved him in since Herman's eyes were closed."

Cruz was the first to speak as he entered and stood at the foot of Herman's bed shuffling nervously from foot to foot. "Hey, Hermann I checked a few minutes ago but there is no update on Casey's condition. Oh, and Kidd is just getting in her room too. Otis and Brett said that she is asleep and resting. I guess they have her some sedatives.

Hermann opened his eyes and tried to focus on the moving figure in front of him since he was groggy from pain meds. A frown set on his face and didn't say anything for a few seconds. Christopher's eyes met Joe's and both men stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity. Cruz was a large man that normally filled a space with a quiet confidence but now he looked as he had just don't 10 rounds in a boxing ring. At first Hermann wanted to let loose on him for the way he had treated Mouch. But then Hermann remembered his own sharp tongue. He thought about the number of times for his temper and tongue had said hurtful things. Hermann's eyes fluttered with the memory of his friend and he decided instead of anger, Cruz needed a little grace and wisdom.

Hermann took a deep breath and coughed a little as he choked back tears, "Joe, listen you have to let it go. Mouch, I mean Randy would want you to let this go. He would tell you dying is a part of the risk we take. Trust me, Mouch knew how you felt about him, no question."

"I didn't mean what I said. I am so sorry and wish I had the opportunity to take everything back. I was such an ass," Cruz said through a sob as he wiped away stray tears that ran down his face.

Herman winced in pain as he composed his thoughts, "Joe we are family. And sometimes families fight but that doesn't change their care and concern for each other."

Cruz bowed his head and nodded but did not say anything but stood not knowing what to say in return and all he could manage was, "Yeah."

Cindy watched the exchange between the Cruz and her husband and thought that a minute together alone was what they both needed. She said, "I think I need something to drink Joe would you mind keeping Chris company while I go stretch my legs. I have to check on the kids who are with my parents right now. I want to update them and let them know that they can see Chris tomorrow morning first thing."

Hermann moved suddenly and winced in pain but said loudly, "Babe be sure to tell them I love them. Oh and tell them a measly warehouse fire isn't going to keep a Hermann down."

Back in the OR waiting room Gabby stood pacing as Severide watched from his chair, "Dawson, let me see if I can find out if there are any updates at the nurse's station. "

Suddenly the door opened and Boden and Chaplain Orlovsky walked into the waiting room. Gabby knew what it meant when the Chaplain and the chief walked into an OR waiting room It meant bad news and the end of life as she knew it. It meant the end of a life with her best friend, Matt. It literally felt like the end of her knowing that Matt was no longer in the world. There would be no more late night love making or talk of a family. She would never see his blue eyes crinkle up in a laugh or smile. No more husky passion-filled, I love you after making love. Grief washed over Dawson's whose eyes opened wide as she realized that they were there to tell her something. She started backing away and shaking her head. "No, he is not gone. I won't believe it. We are going to have a life together. No, no, no. Please God, NOOOOOOOOO."

Severide rose to his feet and began to cradle Dawson before she collapsed completely. "Hey I am here it's gonna be ok. You are not alone. I am here for you just like he was here for me when I needed him." Kelly held back his tears in order to be strong for Gabby as he felt her tremble against him. The thought of Casey gone from 51 was gut wrenching and he went numb. At that moment he wished he had moved faster and worked harder to get Matt out sooner. Hell, maybe it should have been him."

Chiefs baratone voice penetrated Kelly's mind that was fogged with loss and pain, "Gabriela no, it's not what you think. We just saw the nurse who said the surgeon is coming to give us an update."

Gabby calmed a little but fell silent as she waited for the surgeon come down the hall. She could see Halstead approach the glass with a quick and confident step and yet he wore a grim expression. Gabby and Kelly watched intently as the door opened and Halstead walked through the door. The entire room drew out a long sigh when Halstead said the two most beautiful words in the world. "He's alive."


	7. Chapter 7

Severide sat dozing off beside the bed of Kidd while visiting her. He had been a constant shadow of support for the injured members of 51 while they were in the hospital. Somehow being there for the Kidd, Casey and Hermann was a way to help him with his grief from the loss of Anna. He wasn't sure how this was helping him but Severide found a place to be needed. For once in his life Severide decided not to try to fake it until he made it. Anna had tapped into a part of Kelly and unlocked the more nurturing side of his nature. When Kelly lost Shay he had turned to booze and the short marriage to Brittany to fill the lonely void his best friend's death had left. Stella stirred beside Kelly who jumped slightly from his light sleep.

"Hey, when did you get here?" Kidd asked groggily.

Kelly shrugged nonchalantly, "Maybe about 45 minutes ago or so. I just came from Hermann's house."

"Oh year, how is he doing?" Stella yawned slightly and sat more upright in the bed and winced from the pain of her stitches. Thanks to Casey she had sustained a mild concussion and light shrapnel wounds. He had pushed her down and covered her with the piece of metal as the propane tanks exploded.

"He's doing ok. I think he is still in stock like the rest of us. It is gonna take a while since Mouch was his best friend. Hermann will be fine he has his wife and family to help him through things. You look a little pale, do you need a nurse or something?" Kelly leaned forward in concern for Stella's obvious discomfort.

Kidd shook her head and just stared at Severide for a long moment, "Kelly, what is going on with you?"

Severide rose and feigned ignorance as his friend's stare seemed to pierce into his soul," I don't know what you mean? I'm fine just a little tired."

"Ok, I call bull crap. I am not buying it. Why do you look worse than I do? Hell you even look better than Casey." Kidd tried to keep her concern for him sounding light. However, Stella could see the hours of sleeplessness and exhaustion etched on the handsome lieutenant's face.

"Thanks, I will be going now. Nice to see you're grateful for my company." Severide pretended to turn on his heels to leave as he tried to change the subject.

Stella's irises softened and her voice was in a more soothing tone, "Kel, I am worried. I am your friend you can talk to me. Come on how are you doing really?"

Kelly sat back down in the chair and put his head in his hands. He let out a huff of air and considered where to start. Severide ran his hands through his hair and then began to speak, "I miss her so damn much. The other day I opened my sock drawer and got a huge whiff of her cologne. She is everywhere I look and turn."

Stella nodded, "Yeah Kel, I know it's hard. But you have to go home sometime. You can't just keep avoiding your place because of her memories."

Kelly looked up with his blue eyes and shook his head, "I don't think you get it. Her last moments were here a few floors up. I feel closer to her here than at my place. Being with 51 and helping out makes me feel like I am a part of a family or something bigger than work. I may look tired but this is helping me."

Stella nodded and just kept listening as Kelly continued speaking, "Look I know that I am going to have to go home and face the empty apartment soon. But being here is helping me to stay out of the bottom of the bottle or someplace worse. So just let me grieve this way instead of being on some bender sleeping with the next warm body. Ok?"

"Ok I got it. So the nursing staff is about to serve ham loaf and lime jello for lunch. Do you want to hang around and watch the Cubs game with me? I don't have beer but I can get you an extra chocolate milk with a lime jello chaser." Stella smiled at her stupid offer and heard Severide let out a belly laugh while he smiled. At this point the two friends sat back and let the Cubs game engross them.

Down the hall a blond lieutenant flashed a week smile to his wife who had been staying at the hospital hovering over her husband like a mama bear. From the outside looking in the Casey's looked like a typical married couple with not a worry in the world. That was further from the truth since the last 3 days had been touch and go as Casey's life had hung in the balance. Gabby had spent many hours worrying and regretting the petty arguments that had lodged a wedge between them right before the fire. She knew that instead of Mouch it could have been Matt who died in the fire.

Casey had been hit by shrapnel from the propane tanks in the lower back and in his thighs. The shrapnel had caused heavy internal bleeding as well as caused damage to his spleen. The doctor's at Chicago Med had saved his life by whisking him into emergency surgery after he had flat lined in the ER. They had to go in a second time because Matt spiked a fever. There had been a wood splinter that was lodged in the fatty tissue of his abdomen that had been missed. Since the 2nd surgery Gabby hadn't not left Matt's side except to go home and change and come right back.

Matt called out to his wife, "When are they serving lunch? I am kind of hungry."

Gabby nodded and took Matt's hand, "It should only be a few more minutes baby. I ordered you some soup, jello and applesauce."

Matt grinned weakly, "Honestly, I would rather have a slice of pizza and a cold beer."

Gabby rolled her eyes but there was a serious look on her face, "One step at a time. Beer and opioids wouldn't make for a fun filled night for you. You have given me enough drama to last me the next 50 years."

Matt pulled her hand closer to him and spoke to her softly, "Hey, I am here and I am not going anywhere now. We talked about this ok? Everything is ok now."

Gabby shook her head and then leaned gently over onto her husband's pillow so that her cheek was touching his. "I could have lost you and I don't know how I would have handled it Matt. I am so sorry for choosing my dad over you. Sorry for not listening….. Gabby's voice trailed off at the thought of all that her stubbornness had almost costed her.

"Hey this is a hospital lady. If you are trying to get me into bed I am not that kind of guy." Matt tried to lighten the mood with a little humor.

Gabby pulled back from her husband's embrace with a half smile and tear stained eyes. "Matt, I am serious. I am sorry.'

"Hey no more I am sorry ok? You apologized and I accepted. The only things I want to hear about now is I love you." Matt lifted his thumb to Gabby's cheek as he brushed away her tear. She leaned down and kissed him on the lips.

"OK, I am married to the most amazing man. I love you."Gabby whispered as she gave Matt another peck on his lips. Then she pulled back slightly and saw the expression of love Matt wore in his blue eyes.

Gabby sat down on the edge of the bed and then lit up, "I have good news for you. Some very good news."

"So are you wearing the purple and blue panty set I bought for you but haven't seen you in yet?" Matt laughed and pumped his eyebrows up and down.

"No, that is not the news but when I get you home I can arrange to wear that on a long week end at the lake. I can put in some music and then get some whipped cream and strawberries along with some Hersey's chocolate. Then I'll put on some Sade and slowly rotate my hips to the beat of the base." Gabby's tone turned husky as she demonstrated with a slight gyration of her hips.

Matt's blue eye's narrowed and pleaded, "Babe enough, you are killing me with you teasing."

His wife broke out into a sexy laugh and then continued with her news, "OK, but as soon as you are recovered I am planning a weekend just like I said. But my news is that Dad is going to be staying with his brother for a while. My uncle could use the help on his rent and it would give my dad is own place."

Matt's voice filled with excitement," That's great news babe."

"Don't sound so excited mister," Gabby broke out in mock anger and then continued. "Dad and my Uncle seem really excited. He is also decided to maybe go to AA for the alcohol issue too."

"He'll do great. I know he will. And he will have our support too. Um when are the services for Mouch? I want to go and show our support for Trudy and honor Mouch too. He is going to be missed at 51." Matt looked at his wife with his blue eyes full of grief. Neither was a stranger to loss but it never got easier especially with as close as 51 was.

"Boden said that Trudy was going to have him cremated but the ceremony is going to be next week. His daughter has to fly in from Florida for the service. According to Burzek, Trudy is taking Randy's death pretty hard especially on the heels of losing her dad." Gabby looked at Matt and took and squeezed his hand. The only other thing she could manage was, "I love you now and for the next 50 years. I promise."


	8. Chapter 8

Matt woke up with a start from a nightmare where he was engulfed in flames. The fog of restless sleep cleared his head and Matt realized that he was in the hospital. He glimpsed around and saw that Gabby was slumped over in the chair next to the bed sleeping. Right now his wife looked peaceful as she slept but the strain of the last few days were written on her face. Matt had been keeping the nightmares a secret so that he did not worry Gabby any more than she already had been. All he could remember from the dream was being surrounded by flames and not being able to reach Gabby. Matt could remember the sinking feeling of loss that lingered long after the dream was over and he was awake. Normally, he was a private person but needed to talk to someone since the near death experience had shaken him to the core of who he was. Casey had never had so much to lose when he went walked into a fire since he married Gabby, and that fear lingered in his gut. In the firefighting business any distraction was a serious matter since other's lives were on the line. Matt was engrossed in thought when the door to his hospital room was opened and Severide stepped through. Severide's eyes darted from Dawson to Casey as he regarded the couple. Matt put his finger to his mouth to be quiet since Gabby was sound asleep.

Severide nodded and spoke in a muted tone, "Hey Case, How's it going?"

Casey shrugged and tried to hide the worry that had previously been etched on his handsome face. "Ok, still going to stay here a few more days since I have been spiking a fever. They want to make sure that there is no more hidden pieces of shrapnel. "

Gabby started awake as she realized that Matt was awake and that they had company. She rubbed her hands over her eyes and then squinted and asked, "What time is it? How long was I asleep?"

Severide glanced at his watch and replied to a confused Gabby, " It's a quarter after 9:00 shift just ended."

Matt looked at his wife and shook his head, "Gabby why don't you go back to the apartment and get some rest, take a shower and eat something? Christy and Violet are supposed to be here around noon."

Gabby shook her head, "Baby, I am fine really. I am ok. I want someone to be here with you when the doctor's come back. I don't feel ok leaving you alone. "

Casey gave Severide a pleading glance for help. Matt knew that when Gabby got that look on her face that he was about to fight a losing battle. He thought that maybe with Kelly together they could convince Gabby to go home and take a break from the hospital. Severide gave case a slight nod of understanding before he spoke.

"Gabby, I can stay until Matt's sister comes at one. I just got off shift from a full night's sleep since it was a slow night. Go ahead, and come back tonight."

Gabby's eyes narrowed and said suspiciously, "Matt Casey I saw that look don't try to double team me."

"Ok babe you caught us. Look I am just concerned about you and want you to get some rest. It will make me feel better if you will just listen with no argument." Matt's blue eyes mirrored his concern for Gabby and gave her his best wry smile.

Severide said and waved a scouts honor sign toward the very tired looking Gabby, " I will text you if anything happens. Promise!

Gabby stood up and grabbed her purse, leaned over to Matt and planted a kiss on his lips and then turned to look at Kelly, "Thanks Sev, I know he is in good hands."

Kelly looked at Gabby and patted her on the shoulder, "No problem go get some rest. You look like hell Dawson, um Casey. Whatever. …..

Casey and Severide watched Gabby leave and close the door behind her. Casey spoke first,"So it was a quiet night last night?"

Severide shook his head and grinned, "Nope our last call was over at 2am and then I spent a lot of this morning filling out follow up paperwork. I feel like hell but Dawson looked like she hasn't slept or showered. I am good. After I leave I am gonna go crash for the rest of tonight.

"Thanks Kel, I miss the house. It will be about 6 weeks before I can go back to work because of the surgery. At least I am going back to work thanks to you, Kannell and Cruz." Matt looked at Kelly with a grateful heartfelt smile.

"No problem. If you didn't come out of the fire alive then who was I going to smoke cigars with, Otis?"

They both burst out laughing at the thought of Otis trying to smoke a cigar. Kelly sat down in the chair and stretched his long legs out in front of him and looked at Matt thoughtfully. "So after you get out of here and Gabby let's you out of her site what do you say that we take a trip to the lake and fish for a long weekend. I'd like to invite Kannell too. "

Matt turned slightly in his bed and perked up, "Sure that sounds great but I can plan a trip from my hospital bed. It will give me something to do."

Severide shook his head and then replied, "Casey let me plan this one. I need the distraction right now. The apartment feels lonely. I need something to look forward to and to keep me occupied."

"Great just tell me when to be there and I am good. The only condition I have is that you are going to have to convince Gabby to let me out of her sight."

"No problem I can ask Brett to maybe plan something with Gabby like a weekend or something like that." Severide began to think of enlisting her help to give both Matt and Gabby a little fun after the long recovery ahead.

"Kannell is not a fisherman but I am sure he will be in for a long boys weekend. If you have good beer and cigars and maybe some poker then he will say yes in a heartbeat." Matt smiled as he thought back to the times he and his friend Kannell had spent late nights winning and losing at poker.

Kelly nodded, "Yeah he is a good guy. We've been hanging out some outside the fire house. He seems to want to keep busy too. It helps to keep moving and not think about everything, you know."

Matt nodded thoughtfully as he remembered the comfort of having Gabby by his side when he woke up from the first and second surgeries., "As much as Gabby bugs me by clinging to my side lately. I don't know what I would do without her. Sev I know it is hard but just keep moving. I promise it will get better."

" I am sure it will get better but right now it just sucks and hurts like hell. I wouldn't trade my time with Anna but man I miss her. I just want some company to fill the time right now" Kelly answered bluntly.

"Have you thought anymore about spending time with Stella?" Matt questioned Severide trying to sound as casual as possible.

"Stella hasn't been around much. She is supposed to start back to work next shift but I haven't seen her at all outside of her stopping by to drop off some paperwork to Chief. And Cruz has been MIA too since he started his suspension. Both I and Kannell have reached out to Cruz but he isn't returning our phone calls at all. I kind of wanted to get your suggestion to see what I can do as his squad leader. He served under you for years so what do you suggest? Kelly's brow furrowed as he thought of Stella and Cruz with concern.

Matt reached for his phone and said, "I will text Cruz to see what is going on. He could have headed to Florida to visit his brother since he has time off. You might try talking to Otis to see what is up with him?"

"Sure maybe I'll stop by Molly's tonight after I crash and see if he knows what is going on with Cruz."

Matt looked at his friend and then brought Stella up again, "Are you going to check on Stella too?"

Kelly ran his fingers through his hear and let out a prolonged sigh, "I don't want to lead Stella on with any kind of false hope. I liked her and cared for her but now I just feel friendship for her. We are alike in a lot of ways and I care for her but its friendship only."

"Got it, I will have Gabby reach out to see how she is doing. I guess I got lucky to find Gabby after Hallie. In fact, I was just thinking how lucky I am to have her." Matt reached his thumb and stroked his wedding ring remembering the day at the court house with Louie standing between them. It was by far the best day of his life thus far.

Kelly looked off into space trying to remember the contours of Anna's face. Their time had been so short that he was afraid that one day he would forget what she sounded like or all of the things he loved about her. He wanted to make sure that her memory did not fade into the distance.

Casey watched his friend and saw a look of hurt pass across his face. Matt considered what he was about to say next and then thought his friend had the right to know. "First, any time you need to talk let me know since right now all I have is time until I heal completely. Second, Gabby heard that Erin is leaving Chicago for good to take some kind of position in New York. Apparently the last time Antonio saw Erin she was determined to leave but reeling from her break up with Halstead. Maybe you should give her a call before she leaves. I know you two were pretty close for a while"

Kelly looked at the floor for a few seconds before responding, "Thanks Matt." That was all he could manage at the thought of another person leaving his life. Erin and he had been second only to Anna in his life. Kelly knew that the loss of Shay had derailed the relationship with Erin and had regretted it several times before meeting Anna. He looked up and Casey had started to nod off to sleep. Then Kelly's thoughts turned to his best friend Leslie Shay and her deep abiding friendship that had always brought him comfort.t So Kelly leaned back in the chair to get a few minutes of welcomed sleep. The last face he saw before he drifted off to blissful sleep was Shay. They were standing in front of the building before her death and she smiled serenely at him and said "Always, Kelly. Love you."


	9. Chapter 9

Kelly woke up from a deep sleep and wondered why his alarm was going off. It took a few seconds before he realized it was his cell phone ringing. He sat up on his elbow and reached for his phone to look at who could be calling him. The number registered for his ex-wife's cell number and then was really confused. The call rolled over to voice mail before Kelly pushed the button to answer the call. He wondered what Brittany would be calling him since they had not contact since the divorce had been final. It had been almost 3 years since the divorce was final and Kelly hadn't gotten so much as a Christmas card from Brittany since she moved back to Florida to live close to her mom. Finally, his curiosity got the best of Kelly and he checked his voice mail.

The voice was not from his ex-wife but Kelly continued to listen. Mr. Severide this is Miss Blanche Fenton from the Florida Department of Children's services. This call is regarding a child your ex-wife had two years ago. Please give me a call at the following number. It is extremely important that I get in touch with you today.

Kelly frowned as he listened to his message for a third time. He walked to the kitchen and pressed the button to make coffee while trying to decipher the meaning of the message. Kelly sat at his kitchen table and dialed the number and waited expectantly as the phone rang.

"Hello, this is Miss Fenton from the Florida Department of Children's Services. How may I help you?"

Kelly cleared his throat and replied quietly to the inquiry, "Miss Fenton, this is Kelly Severide returning your call regarding a child that my ex-wife has."

"Mr. Severide, thank you for getting back to me so quickly." Miss Fenton replied.

"I am a little confused and surprised by your voice mail. Brittany and I haven't had contact since our divorce was finalized. So can you tell me what this call is about?" Kelly tried to be polite but really wanted to know what Miss Fenton wanted.

"A week ago your ex-wife and her mother were killed in a head on collision. I am sorry to deliver this news so abruptly." Miss Fenton paused as she gave Kelly the chance to absorb the news.

"Oh God, that is horrible. I had no idea. But you mentioned a child in your custody. Brittany didn't have kids that I know of so what does this have to do with me? Kelly's memories flashed with her smile and how Brittany had helped him to get over the death of Shay.

"Mr. Severide, Brittany left behind a two year old son named Jack. Your name is on the birth certificate as the father." Miss Fenton replied in a matter of fact manner.

The room spun for a second as the words that changed Kelly's entire world soaked in. Kelly who had been taking a sip of coffee spilled it down the front of him and cursed. "Damn it! Miss Fenton hold on a second, I just spilled a cup of coffee. I will be with in in a second." Kelly sat his phone down and reached for a dish towel to wipe the hot coffee off his boxers and t shirt.

"Sorry about that now what did you say again?" Kelly asked wanting to make sure that he heard the social worker correctly.

"Mr. Severide, I said according to the birth certificate you have a son Jack. Are you saying that you had no idea that Brittany had named you with as the father of Jack?" Miss Fenton asked with a note of shock in her voice.

"No, I signed our dissolution papers and never heard from her again. I called her a few times but Brittany never returned by calls. I just figured she wanted to put me and the marriage as far behind her as possible. I had no idea that she had a baby or that she had named me as the father." Kelly felt the breath leave his chest at the possibility that he was actually a father.

There was a long pause at the end of the phone as the social worker tried to figure out what was next. "Jack has been in our custody for the past week and has been placed with a good foster family. We have been searching for the nearest living relative to see if we can place him with the biological family. Children's services have procedures we have to follow before we put Jack into the foster system as an orphan for adoption." Miss Foster laid out the facts with little emotion in her voice.

Kelly listened intently then responded, "I don't want my son being raised by people I don't know. If he is my son I want him here."

Miss Fenton responded quickly, "We have no proof that Jack is your son at this point. Two minutes ago you were telling me that you have had no knowledge of him.

Kelly responded firmly, "That's right but now I do know about him. He just lost his mother and grandmother I am not about to walk away from him now if I am his dad."

Miss Fenton paused and then asked Kelly, "Are you willing to take a DNA test to prove that you are Jack's father? If you are we would arrange for you to go to a clinic in Chicago and have you take a paternity test. That would be the first step to establishing parental rights in Florida.

"Absolutely, you give me the time and place to be and I will be there." Kelly replied without hesitation to the paternity test suggestion.

"Ok Mister Severide I will have my office contact you within two business days to get you scheduled for a paternity test. Do you have any other questions for me?" Miss Fenton asked Kelly.

"Yeah, Is he doing ok? I mean he is safe right?, Kelly asked with concern.

Miss Fenton's voice softened, "Jack has asked for Mommy a few times but is being looked after by a very experienced foster family. He is a normal happy little boy. The one thing I will tell you is that he has the most incredible blue eyes that light up when he smiles. I know it's not much but that is all I can tell you right now until we find out if you are his father."

All Kelly could manage at that point was, "Thank you for that I know you are protecting him."

Miss Fenton ended the call with this,"Mr. Severide I know this has to be shock for you but I will work to get the DNA test scheduled. My office will call you tomorrow to give you information on the paternity test.

Kelly was left to his own thoughts when his phone rang again and he saw it was Erin Lindsey returning his call that he had made to her earlier after leaving the hospital. Kelly was still reeling from the last phone call but he picked up the phone anyway.

"Hey Erin." Kelly said as he answered the phone and tried to keep the mood light.

"Kel, I got your message that you wanted to meet at Molly's." Erin's voice sounded tired and distracted.

"Yeah, Casey told me you were leaving town so I thought I would give you a call to meet up before you go." Kelly said as he took a sip of the new cup of coffee he had made himself.

"I'd like that but it will have to be tonight. I have so much to wrap up before I leave Chicago. I can meet you at Molly's at 8 tonight. Would that be ok?" Erin's voice sounded more cheerful now.

Kelly replied quickly, "Sounds good see you then. Look I hate to cut you short but there is something I have to do before we meet. I'll see you at Molly's around eight."

Erin replied briefly but with emotion in her voice, "Ok Kel, I will see you then. I am glad you called."

The phone went dead and Kelly was left to ponder the fact that he had a two year old son named Jack sitting in Florida. He poured the rest of the contents of the coffee cup in the sink and decided to head over to the hospital to see Matt and Gabby who had experience with the foster system in Chicago. Somehow knowing that he could be a dad put an extra spring in his step as he went to take a shower and get dressed. Kelly whispered to himself, "I have a son. I am a dad. Maybe…..


	10. Unexpected reaction

Kelly left the hospital after talking to Gabby and Matt and the couple sat in silence for a few minutes at the news that their friend may have a son. They were both stunned at the news and tried to be happy for their friend. But there was no denying the sting of the loss of their first child as well of the lingering grief over losing Louie to his biological father. It had been a long road but still the emptiness that Louie left was not something Matt and Gabby addressed often. The situation was over and done with and they had grieved together and separately. However, Kelly's announcement had reopened the topic once again for both of them.

Gabby was the first one to break the silence by saying, "Wow, Severide seemed nervous and excited about Jack. I would never have guessed in a million years what he came to talk to us about. I am happy for him."

Matt was sitting up in a chair beside his bed. He didn't say anything at first but fingered the arm of the chair lost in his own thoughts. Finally, he answered with a clipped response, "Yeah it's a surprise."

Gabby knew Matt well enough to know that there was a lot going on behind that short answer. She tried to choose her next words carefully, "What did you think about the advice I gave to him about the foster care system?"

Matt shrugged and turned to stare out of the hospital window, "I wish him luck. But you know it didn't turn out well for us?"

Gabby's eyes widened slightly and replied in a soft voice, "Baby, I know it still stings but we did what was best for Louie. We kept him safe until his dad was able to take him back. I miss him but I don't regret loving Louie or caring for him."

Matt's blue eyes looked up and met Gabby's dark brown ones but then he looked back toward the window without a reply.

"Baby, Matt, please talk to me. What is going on please?" Gabby moved to kneel beside Matt and covered his left hand with her own.

Matt shook his head and the let out an exasperated breath, "Look Kelly was married for three months and gets divorced, she moves away and now all of a sudden he has a son. We have struggled with everything and tried to do everything the right way. I mean, my famous line is let's do this right. And where has that gotten us? Why do I have to work so damn hard for a family? "

"Matt, you said we are a family. I am your family." Gabby reached to touch Matt's face and make him look at her in the eyes. What she saw reflected was all of the pain he normally pushed to the side and controlled. But now she saw all the hurt that he kept from her stemming from his own childhood.

"Gabby, I love you and from the moment we got together I have wanted to have a family with you. Hell, if I admit it to myself I have wanted a family for as long as I can remember. It's not that I love you any less but I want…."Matt's hurt filled voice trailed off into strained silence.

"Matt Casey, we will get there but in the meantime just focus on Violet me and your sister. In fact, let's plan a mini vacation with them as soon as we get out of here." Gabby tried to divert Matt's attention away from the conversation.

"Wow you ask me to open up and I do but then you change the subject. Why, Gabby? Does the truth hurt you as much as it does me? Kelly Severide walks through life with a golden ticket and skips all of the consequences. And now instead of trying to understand where I am coming from you want to change to conversation." Matt answered with a raised voice and pulled his hand away from Gabby.

Gabby stood and paused for a second and then turned her gaze toward the window, "Yes I changed the subject because I want you to see that you have me and some family. I can't deal with anymore grief. Matt I almost lost you and it made me realize how much we have. It made me regret every angry word and the year we spent apart because I was focused on my career more than us. And then when you spiked the fever and they had to take you into surgery, I was so scared of not getting a chance to make things right." Then Gabby's voice broke with the thought of almost losing Matt twice.

But Matt did not turn to soothe his wife but rose and went to get back in bed instead of go to comfort Gabby. He was ashamed of his reaction and did not want to talk about it anymore. "Yeah we should schedule a dinner with Violet and Christy and you can make your Dominican food."

Gabby turned to Matt and watch as he hoisted his legs gingerly into the bed. She then walked to the bed and sat down on the edge sideways. "Look I am sorry to have changed the subject. Can we talk about Kelly and us? Kelly is one of your best friends and we need to support him. You are the one who was there with him when Shay died. Severide just lost Anna. If Jack does turn out to be his son it will give him a purpose."

Matt's jaw sat into a stubborn line and replied with clenched, "I lost Hallie, Andy and my dad and now one of my men Mouch, so I know what it's like to lose someone. Severide was only with Anna a few months I was with Hallie for 8 years. So stop defending him and think about me and us." As soon as the words left Matt's mouth he regretted them immediately. He saw Gabby almost physically flinch as his angry words spilled out of his mouth. Her eyes welled up with tears and then her cheeks flushed.

Gabby stammered and stood up taking a step from the bed, "You forgot two…."

Matt cursed out of hurt and frustration rather than anger, "Damn it I did not forget two. That is my point Gabby, Jack would be around the age of our own baby. And I still keep Louie's picture in my wallet and look at it and try to picture how he has changed. I want to be happy for Kelly and I will be but just give me time to adjust to the news. "

"You mentioned Hallie… Why did you just mention her?", was all that Gabby replied.

"We are talking about the kids we lost not my ex fiancé." Matt stopped confused and bewildered by Gabby bringing up Hallie instead of acknowledging what he had finally admitted to his grief out loud.

"I am here now but sometimes I wonder if Hallie had lived if there would be an us as a couple at all. I mean we can't even talk about our grief without you bringing her up." Gabby said angrily ashamed of her sudden jealousy but was tired and overwhelmed at the loss and grief and her lack of sleep.

Matt was tired and agitated but softened realizing that both he and Gabby were tired and overwhelmed from the whirlwind of the last few days. His voice turned from anger as he opened his arms and motioned for Gabby, "Please come here. I don't want to fight anymore; I just want to hold you for a minute."

Gabby turned to see the openness of Matt's expression and something inside of her broke a little as she saw him so vulnerable. Normally Matt kept a tight rein on his feeling but today there was not avoidance in his expression. She knew him well enough to know that his family was a delicate subject. Suddenly, Gabby crossed the room in a second and fell gently into her husband's arms.

Matt wrapped his arms around her and whispered, "You are my family Gabby. The last face I saw before I passed out in the warehouse was yours."

Gabby responded by simply replied, "I love you. Sorry for being jealous."

Matt whispered again into his wife's ear, "There is nothing for you to be jealous of I promise."

They sat there holding each other not exchanging any more words for several minutes. Matt and Gabby both realized how close they had come to losing everything in the fire. This episode mirrored the one that had taken place after they lost their baby. But this time there was much more appreciation and growth from both of their past mistakes. After some time Gabby pulled away and leaned into Matt's left side.

"Gabby, we'll be there for him. I promise. Just today, I don't want to think or talk about Jack or Kelly. OK?" Matt could not put everything he was feeling into words. He just needed tonight to be with Gabby without the outside world being inside the hospital room with them.

"Sure, can we talk about how sexy you are when you hold me? Or can I tell you how I want to plan a date night that doesn't include Molly's or my dad or 51? It may or may not include a hot tub, a hotel room and a new outfit. How does that sound?" Gabby tried to lighten the mood by being loving and playful.

"Tell me more." Matts grinning face crinkled at the thought of his wife and a date night.

Gabby and Matt talked and joked long after visiting hours were over. They made plans for the future and talked and joked like best friends and lovers as evening turned into early morning. Tonight was not about anyone else outside of the two of them. If an outside observer had walked into the room they would have thought that Matt and Gabby looked more like a couple in a honeymoon suite rather than a hospital room.


	11. Chapter 11

Kelly walked into Molly's and looked around and saw that Erin was sitting on his left gazing at the door. Erin stood up and smiled brightly as Kelly closed the space between them. The two greeted each other with a warm hug that lasted for a while before the broke and the both took seats at the table that Erin already occupied.

"You look great." Kelly smiled at Erin warmly as he thought of the time they had spent together as a couple.

"Keli, thanks. It's been a while you know." Erin measured her words carefully. She knew that Kelly had been very serious with a nurse who had passed away from cancer. Erin also knew Kelly well enough that he was serious since it took a lot for him to get close to people. She and Kelly were two of a kind in how they focused on their careers, took risks and thumbed a middle finger to playing things safely.

Kelly's blue eyes surveyed Erin and answered and a more subdued tone, "Yeah it has been a while. So Casey says that you are leaving Chicago to go work in New York. I thought you were pretty set with Voight and his crew and Jay."

Erin nodded and carefully sipped her beer trying to think about how to answer his round about probe of the reason she had left. Then answered Kelly, "It's complicated Kel. It involves my mom and some obligations that I have to her. Besides recently, someone close to me told me to go and don't look back. It feels the right time to move on to get a fresh start. She left the subject of Jay untouched since she was still sorting all of her feelings out about leaving him behind."

Kelly held up his index finger and said, "Hold that thought, I am going to go grab something to drink. I'll be right back. With that sentence Kelly rose and strode toward the bar where Stella and Otis were tending bar. Otis was busy taking a group order so Kelly walked to ask Stella for a drink.

"Hey Kidd can I get a club soda with a twist of lime."

Stella looked at him and smirked before commenting on his drink order, "Since when do you come in here and order no alcohol? You on some kind of meds for an std or something?"

Kelly rolled his eyes and answered, "Stella, not tonight. I have an appointment that's important and I want to be up early."

Stella instantly felt dumb about her flippant answer, "Sorry, you know with everything being so serious I just thought I should crack a joke. It's just been hard. I go back next shift but I feel like unsure and jittery. You know what I mean."

They locked eyes and Kelly's hand closed over Kidd's hand and his voice dropped low and more intimate. "It's normal the first time you get hurt after getting hurt or losing another fire fighter in a blaze. You'll be fine. Just take one fire at a time and go to see someone if you need to get things off your chest. I am here as a Lieutenant too."

Stella looked over at Erin and pulled her hand away noting that Kelly had said that he would be there as her Lieutenant. She knew at that point she was wasting her time looking at Kelly as anything more than a coworker and friend. It stung but did not hurt as bad as Stella would have expected.

"Thanks Severide, I appreciate it. One club soda coming up." Stella replied as she turned her back to get his drink. Otis who was not helping anyone watched the exchange intently. Brian felt for Stella since he knew what it was like to have unrequited feelings for someone. He had long ago put Sylvie Brett and his feeling for her to rest. So he could see the sting that Stella felt when Kelly had gently given her the message that they were friends only- nothing more. He diverted his eyes and made a note to try to cheer Stella up later by inviting her to do something together.

Before long Kelly picked up his club soda and another beer for Erin and headed back to the table. When he arrived he found Erin on the phone making arrangements with some friends for a good bye party. Erin mouthed thank you to Kelly and proceeded to wrap up the call shortly after Kelly sat back down at the table.

"Some old friends are all trying to sit up some kind of good bye party. I tried to brush them off but no deal. They want to get together. I am going to have to brush them off I don't want long drawn out explanations right now, You know?" Erin shook her head in frustration as she tried to think how to get out of yet another invitation.

Kelly nodded in understanding, 'They want a party instead of just letting you leave Chicago quickly and quietly?"

Erin nodded, "The only one I have checked on a few times is Trudy. She is taking Mouch's death pretty hard. I guess she is taking a leave of absence after the funeral to see what she is going to do. She is pretty devastated about being left alone. I can't imagine."

Then Erin realized who she was talking about and what she had said as she caught a glimpse of Kelly's unguarded expression. He looked raw and tired but then smiled thinly in a veiled attempt to cover up his hurt.

Kelly looked around and nodded in the direction of the door as he spoke to Erin choking back pent up emotion, "Do you want to get out of here and go back to my place? I need some air."

Erin nodded sure as she looked toward Kelly and walked with him to the door. She needed air too. In fact, she needed the space of a million miles from all the events and her past that haunted her like a unwanted, ever present ghost.

Stella watched Kelly and Erin leave Molly's together and vowed that she was done mooning over Kelly. She needed to learn how to take care of herself not everyone else.

Behind her Stella heard Otis ask, "Are you ok?"

"Yeah I am fine just a little hurt from my muscles." Stella tried to say brightly and brush off the pointed stare from Otis.

"No really Kidd. I mean Stella. Look I get it I have been there with Brett. Trust me I know how it sucks to care and have the person look right past you." Otis looked around and the bar had cleared out. He walked to the door and locked it.

"There Molly's is officially closed. Now let's drink the morning away and play some pool" Otis walked back to behind the bar and watched a confused Stella.

A small smile graced Stella's face and she said as she looked at her puzzled co-worker, "Thanks but I want more than pool or drinks. She clasped her hands behind his head and kissed him deeply."

"But, but … what about Kelly and 51 and …" Otis stammered as he broke from the kiss in surprise.

"Shut up you talk too much. Just kiss me and think about everything later." Otis and Stella kissed each other and danced to the music that played from Stella's phone. Brian and Stella slowed danced and kissed well into the morning in the empty Molly's bar. The sunlight may bring new problems but these few moments were filled with the hope of something new as they buried all of their past heartbreak with each new kiss.

Kelly did not take Erin back to his place but instead decided to drive. He turned the car radio on low and just listened as the early morning air hit their faces.

Both were buried deeply in their own thought when Erin blurted out, "Have you ever thought of leaving Chicago? I mean have you ever thought about a new start?"

Kelly kept his eyes trained on the road and paused, "Actually I have thought about it a few times. I mean I considered leaving to take a job in Springfield to be with Anna. But I knew Chicago was my city and my job and too much a part of me to leave. But lately everything reminds me of her."

"Yeah I know what you mean. So come with me…. " Erin thought glumly of leaving behind Jay but then brushed him out of her mind.

Kelly glanced over at Erin and realized she was hurting too. He had been so consumed lately with his own loss that he hadn't seen the hurt in Erin's eyes. "Maybe if you had asked me a few days ago I would have considered your offer but things are more complicated now."

Erin sounded hurt that Kelly had not even hesitated before declining her offer. "Yeah I get it."

Kelly replied as he pulled the car over into a parking lot ,"No I don't think you do. I got a call today that my ex Brittany has and son that she says was mine. His name is Jack."

Erin's eyes widened and then turned to look at Kelly shock," Wow Kelly, do you think he could be yours?"

"Truthfully I am still in shock that I could be a dad. I go to take a DNA test tomorrow to find out for sure but his age is right. I owe it to him to find out if I am his dad." Kelly shook his head as if to try and convince himself.

"Kelly I am happy for you really I am."" Erin was surprised but now felt awkward at her proposal now as they sat in the car across from each other.

Kelly reached over and leaned to turn Erin's face toward his. He let his lips meet her lips and felt that her cheek was wet. They exchanged a kiss for a few more seconds and then Kelly broke the kiss. His thumb caressed her cheek and then kissed her forehead has he brushed Erin's hair out of her face.

Erin let out a small sigh that sounded a little like a sob. "This is not how I wanted things to go. I mean I just wanted tonight to be about my new beginning in New York.'

"It's ok. I really would consider going with you. But right now Jack has to be my first priority. You know that I will always love you. You will do great in New York. "Kelly said as he tried to soothe Erin.

Erin placed one more kiss on Kelly's lips and said."Kel, I wish you luck. You will be a great dad."

All Kelly could manage to say was, "I hope so Jack has been through so much. If anyone deserves my best it is my son."

Kelly shifted and started his car and started to back out when Erin said awkwardly, "Can you take me back to my car now? I have lots of packing to do before I ship some stuff ahead of me? I have a friend who is going to help me to find a place. "

Later Kelly walked Erin to her car and they said their final goodbye's to each other. There was promises of staying in touch and going to see each other. But as Kelly watched Erin pull he knew that by him saying no to her had been a final good bye. Somehow it seemed appropriate to let her go onto find happiness in another city in a new job. Kelly looked up at the full moon that lit the parking lot outside Molly's and laughed out loud as he walked to his car"Damn, I could be a dad."


	12. Chapter 12

It had been a week since Casey had been discharged from the hospital. Gabby had returned to work but the doctor said due to his injuries Matt would not be eligible to return to work until he was cleared by the doctor. It was early afternoon and Matt decided to take a nap before Gabby got off shift. He lay back and began lingered between twilight and deep sleep when Matt thought he heard a voice calling to him, a familiar but distant voice.

As Matt fell into deep sleep he was transported back to when he was 15 and still living with his parents. His sister Christie was out for the night and Matt's mom was fixing dinner for Matt and his father. Sweat beaded on Matt's head as his body jerked in reaction to the nightmare. All of a sudden Greg Casey's voice was raised in anger as his fists connected to Nancy's back. Matt stood frozen on the stairs as another night of fighting between his parents erupted. He could hear his mother's sobs and his Dad's angry voice calling her stupid and worthless.

As the dream progressed he was transported back to the warehouse fire. But this time the flames climbed up his legs and back burning flesh as it climbed to his torso. He screamed in agony as the smoke burned the inside of his lungs and fire blistered his neck and face. The dryness of the smoke made his voice crack as his last words were, "Help, Someone anyone…. Help me. Then there was only blackness around him and then the only thing Matt saw was his father's face over his yelling again.

Matt shot up and found himself shaking while his eyes darted back and forth trying to figure out where the hell he was. The shirt on his back was soaked from sweat and Matt's whole body shook from the nightmare. His phone buzzed on the side table when the awareness of where he was dawned on Casey. The caller ID said Gabby so Matt took a deep breath and reached for the phone.

Matt tried to clear the fog from his brain as he answered, "Hey Baby, what's up?"

Gabby heard the difference in Matt's voice immediately. She had noticed a moodiness and distance in Matt since a few days after he came home from the hospital. Gabby tried to talk to her husband but Matt responded by saying it was only because of the pain medicine that he was on. And yet Gabby was convinced that there was something more going on with her husband but was trying not to push him until he was ready to talk.

Gabby cleared her throat and tried to sound casual, "I thought maybe we could go out to dinner tonight and then over to Severides place to see how he is doing as a new dad. What do you think are you feeling up to a night out?"

They hadn't seen Severide since his son arrived from Florida. Kelly had decided to take 3 weeks leave to help him to establish a routine with Jack. Gabby had spoken with Kelly a few times on the phone to help him out with contacts she had with social service. The last time they talked Kelly had asked how Matt was while Jack screamed in the background. Apparently Jack was having trouble adjusting to all of the changes and so was Kelly. Gabby was trying to be there as much as she could for Kelly but was limited since Matt was also struggling. Gabby had made an excuse to Kelly about Matt's absence. It was obvious that Kelly missed their talks and was trying to reach out to Casey.

Matt was silent for a minute and then replied. "Do you mind if we do that some other night? I am still feeling a little tired. You know, maybe some other time."

Gabby paused measuring her words to Matt' "Well then I will just pick you up and we can get take out, OK?"

After letting out a long breath, "Take out sounds great. See you in a few hours." was the only thing that Matt managed to say."

"See you later baby. Love you." Gabby replied as her brows furrowed in worry

Gabby could tell her Matt was avoiding going out in public but she didn't want to push him right now. She was talking to Dr. Charles at Chicago med the last few days to try to help Matt to become less closed off. The doctor's advice had been off of the record since Matt wasn't his patient. Dr. Charles had told Gabby to be supportive and push Matt slowly toward going out again. He had also encouraged her to get Matt to make an appointment with a professional if the moodiness, insomnia and withdrawal continued.

Back at the apartment Matt took a hot shower and changed his clothes. However, the nightmares he had been having shook him more than any dangerous situation that Casey had encountered as a firefighter. Casey had always been able to cope with situations by pushing things to the back of his mind when memories or his past got to be too much. However, since Matt's return from the hospital his past and the recent near death experience had morphed into one dark, un-ending night mare every time he closed his eyes. The face that looked back at him in the bathroom mirror looked haunted, even though he was freshly showered and shaven. Lately, he could not withdraw far enough to keep the dark thoughts at bay. Matt shrugged his shoulders as if to shake off the dark mood in preparation for Gabby getting off of shift. He knew his wife was worried about him but had not been pushing him to open up.

He heard his phone buzz and picked it up without thinking, "Hey Babe, I am ready. Are you off of shift yet?"

A chuckle came from the other end of the phone, "Yeah, thanks but you aren't my type."

It was Kelly Severide on the other end of the phone. Matt had been avoiding him ashamed of the jealousy that he felt at Kelly being a dad. It was just one more thing that felt like too much for him to deal with.

Matt tried to give a light chuckle back and tried to sound as casual as possible, "Well, I'm taken anyway. Man sorry I haven't talked to you. How have you been?"

At first Kelly thought of lying but then said, "Good but tired. I just need a cold beer and a little adult company."

"Yeah, Gabby said Jack is having a hard time adjusting.' Matt added, not knowing what else to say.

Kelly was silent for a moment as he looked down at Jack sleeping next to him on the couch. Three weeks ago he hadn't been accountable to anyone. He could come and go as he pleased except for his job at51 which is what he had poured his passion into. Now, his every waking moment was spent trying to take care of Jack and to establish a bond between them. And yet he felt completely lost and incompetent as he watched his son struggle with the loss of his mother, grandmother and all of the new surroundings. He had thought about calling Benny a dozen times but then thought that he didn't need the complication. What he really needed right now as friends since he felt helpless and a little adrift, an emotion that was not one that Kelly faced much. He wished Shay was around and thought about how much he missed her.

Kelly noticed that Jack was breathing softly so he decided to make a call to Matt Casey. Kelly respected Casey and wanted to reach out to see how his friend was recovering. Severide picked up the phone and dialed Casey's number and listened to it ring while he watched the rise and fall of his son's ches.

Matt hesitated for a split second when he saw Kelly's number appear on the screen of his phone. Then shook his head and answered, "What's up Severide?"

Kelly could hear Matt's voice was had a different tone and replied, "Good. I just called to see how things were going with you. I hadn't heard since the only person I've really talked to was Gabby. Her advice has been great. So how are you doing?"

There was a long silence for a second as Matt considered first the tiredness in Kelly's voice as well as the answer he wanted to give opposed to the things he was experiencing since the fire. "I'm ok the doctors are saying it's going to be another few weeks before I can return to duty. How are you and Jack doing?"

After almost considered lying but then Kelly responded to Matt with complete and brutal honesty, "Hell, I'm lost. I don't know what the hell to do next. Jack is miserable and nothing I do seems to help."

Matt heard the desperation in Kelly's voice answered, "Sorry, man it's gotta be hard. I always had Gabby to help when we had Louie. It was hard those first few weeks when Louie only wanted Gabby.

"Yeah well maybe I made a mistake in taking him in. Maybe…." Kelly let his thoughts drop off not wanting to admit that lately he thought that Jack might be better with someone else.

Matt interrupted, "Look it was hard when I was around Louie, at first. He was bonded to Gabby and wanted nothing to do with me. It's gonna take some time for Jack to trust you, just like it did with me and Louie. Trust me, you'll get there." Matt said trying to reassure Severide with his advice.

"Maybe you're right. It doesn't help that we are cooped up in this house. The weather has been lousy and Jack and I could both use a change of scenery." Kelly said in a frustrated and tired voice.

Matt decided to push aside the jealousy because he knew it took a lot for Kelly to reach out to anyone for help. Matt continued to speak," Gabby and I are getting take out after she gets off of shift. Do you want to bring Jack over? Gabby and I would like to meet Jack. "Matt said intent on helping his friend.

"Hey I wasn't trying to beg for an invite." Kelly answered distractedly as he watched as Jack started to stir from his nap. He had hoped to get a few more minutes of quiet before Jack woke up.

Matt chuckled on the other end of the phone, "I could use some company too. Gabby and I actually talked about wanting to meet Jack. I am pretty sure that she would be happy to have you and Jack over for dinner.

Kelly replied gratefully wanting some adult company and maybe a little help with Jack, "Yeah a night out sounds great. What time should I come over?"

Matt replied to his friend and hung up the phone, "Anytime buddy. See you soon."

Casey for the first time in a week felt like he had a purpose, to help his friend. To focus on something other than himself helped him to get out of his own head. He was grateful for the distraction of someone else's problems besides his own.

Just then Gabby came in the door and dropped her bags down and surveyed Matt who wore a slight smile on his face. Matt engulfed her in a big hug and bent to kiss Gabby.

Gabby smiled liking the fact for the first time in a week Matt's eyes contained a sparkle and a grin. She pushed back a little and asked, "What got into you?"

"Have I told you what a smart and beautiful woman you are?" Matt's blue eyes looked at his wife as she looked back at him questioningly.

"Matt Casey, what are you up to?" Gabby responded with a light chuckle as she rested in her husband's arms.

"You knew that both me and Severide needed company. He called a few minutes ago and I invited him over for dinner. He is bringing Jack too so I hope that is ok." Matt ended his comment with a peck on Gabby's nose.

"Baby, it's ok with me. But are you going to be ok? I mean after the other day in the hospital and then earlier, what changed your mind?" Gabby knitted her eyebrows together in concern for Matt.

"Look, I just reconsidered after talking to Kelly. He sounds tired and like he could use a friend. And I need to get my mind off of things. I have been in my own head too much lately" Matt admitted for the first time that he had been struggling.

Gabby was pleased that Matt opened up a little to her and decided not to push her husband any further. Communication for them had always been tricky but there was a ray of light opening up and she wanted to let Matt set the pace. Their past problems had all stemmed from lack of communication and as a newly wedded couple they were still learning what worked for them as a couple.

Matt noticed his wife thinking and suddenly felt aroused and playful at the same time. He gently pulled Gabby so that she was squeezed tightly against his torso and grabbed both cheeks of her butt lustily. Then Matt whispered into his wife's ear, "I not recovered completely but maybe after Kelly and Jack leave we can make out a a little. I've missed us being 'close'.

Gabby had a visible reaction to Matt's advances, her eyes dilated and the look on her face became very seductive. She leaned up against her husband and nibbled on his ear then traced small wet kisses down his neck. Gabby whispered breathlessly into Matt's ear, "I think pizza sounds great and some wings extra spicy. What do you think Mr. Casey?"

Matt threw back his head and laughed loudly, "I think you are a tease Mrs. Casey. Pizza is fine I am sure Jack and Kelly will love it. And later when they are gone I want a little desert.

Gabby loosened her grip and headed to the kitchen to get the take out menus but wiggled her butt suggestively as she knew Matt was watching her walk away.

In that moment Casey forgot all about his troubles or at least tried to push them to the back of his mind. The thing that freaked him out the most was the appearance of his father Greg in his dreams, rather nightmares. Matt knew that he hadn't dealt with a lot of his past but didn't really want to dredge back old memories. He hoped that maybe this nightmare was just a one-time thing or at least that is what he hoped as he followed Gabby into the kitchen to decide on the take out.


End file.
